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Mysterious Logbook: Difference between revisions
Note Exo Interferometrics; Note Elisabeth's Upload; Entry 12; Note Third Vision- Added
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Text in <span style="color:#008080;">this color</span> indicates handwritten notes made primarily by Clovis Bray I. | Text in <span style="color:#008080;">this color</span> indicates handwritten notes made primarily by Clovis Bray I. | ||
===-01-=== | ===-01-=== | ||
| Line 77: | Line 78: | ||
::'''pig for next transplants.''' | ::'''pig for next transplants.''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
===-03-=== | ===-03-=== | ||
| Line 121: | Line 123: | ||
somewhere. Honeybees, whatever strain is best. And big friendly <br> | somewhere. Honeybees, whatever strain is best. And big friendly <br> | ||
Newfoundlands for the hives. Everyone loves doghives. | Newfoundlands for the hives. Everyone loves doghives. | ||
===-04-=== | ===-04-=== | ||
| Line 137: | Line 140: | ||
::'''in progress''' | ::'''in progress''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==NOTE—BAROTRAUMA== | ==NOTE—BAROTRAUMA== | ||
| Line 161: | Line 165: | ||
Or was it afraid to touch the things pulsating below the ice? | Or was it afraid to touch the things pulsating below the ice? | ||
==ENTRY 2== | ==ENTRY 2== | ||
| Line 217: | Line 222: | ||
Children are viral replicators of our ideas. But there is a certain terror about <br> | Children are viral replicators of our ideas. But there is a certain terror about <br> | ||
them. They alter our legacy, mutate it—as Clovis II modified Competitive | them. They alter our legacy, mutate it—as Clovis II modified Competitive | ||
===-07-=== | ===-07-=== | ||
| Line 273: | Line 279: | ||
::'''chops.''' | ::'''chops.''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
===-08-=== | ===-08-=== | ||
| Line 282: | Line 289: | ||
:<span style="color:#008080;">Yes...but only to the extent that they can contribute to my legacy </span><br> | :<span style="color:#008080;">Yes...but only to the extent that they can contribute to my legacy </span><br> | ||
:<span style="color:#008080;">with cloned organs and good eating. No guilt!</span> | :<span style="color:#008080;">with cloned organs and good eating. No guilt!</span> | ||
==NOTE—SAVAGING== | ==NOTE—SAVAGING== | ||
| Line 302: | Line 310: | ||
Perhaps the sows simply acted in self-defense. | Perhaps the sows simply acted in self-defense. | ||
==NOTE—EUROPA LIFE== | ==NOTE—EUROPA LIFE== | ||
| Line 329: | Line 338: | ||
I despise it. I would have it killed, except that I am repulsed by the thought <br> | I despise it. I would have it killed, except that I am repulsed by the thought <br> | ||
of its final disintegration. I consider how to burn it. | of its final disintegration. I consider how to burn it. | ||
==ENTRY 3== | ==ENTRY 3== | ||
| Line 378: | Line 388: | ||
I wholeheartedly believe that the dream was a message from Clarity. <br> | I wholeheartedly believe that the dream was a message from Clarity. <br> | ||
A promise of success. | A promise of success. | ||
===-012-=== | ===-012-=== | ||
| Line 402: | Line 413: | ||
:<span style="color:#008080;">murdered his own infant child. Why? Why would he do such a thing? </span><br> | :<span style="color:#008080;">murdered his own infant child. Why? Why would he do such a thing? </span><br> | ||
:<span style="color:#008080;">The article doesn't explain. Savaging again.</span> | :<span style="color:#008080;">The article doesn't explain. Savaging again.</span> | ||
==NOTE—CLARITY== | ==NOTE—CLARITY== | ||
| Line 454: | Line 466: | ||
to dissolve anything into its pure base elements. Ingested properly, the <br> | to dissolve anything into its pure base elements. Ingested properly, the <br> | ||
Alkahest could purify the body and grant eternal life. | Alkahest could purify the body and grant eternal life. | ||
===-014-=== | ===-014-=== | ||
| Line 485: | Line 498: | ||
Those who comprehend the Alkahest, it is said, will obtain eternal life. | Those who comprehend the Alkahest, it is said, will obtain eternal life. | ||
==MESSAGE TO [[Wilhelmina Bray|BRAY, WILHELMINA]]== | ==MESSAGE TO [[Wilhelmina Bray|BRAY, WILHELMINA]]== | ||
| Line 518: | Line 532: | ||
'''//save draft unsent''' | '''//save draft unsent''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==MESSAGE TO [[Anastasia Bray|BRAY, ANASTASIA]]== | ==MESSAGE TO [[Anastasia Bray|BRAY, ANASTASIA]]== | ||
| Line 547: | Line 562: | ||
'''//save draft unsent''' | '''//save draft unsent''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==MESSAGE TO BRAY, ELISABETH== | ==MESSAGE TO BRAY, ELISABETH== | ||
| Line 567: | Line 583: | ||
'''//save''' | '''//save''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==ENTRY 4== | ==ENTRY 4== | ||
| Line 613: | Line 630: | ||
active, one with the father's. Never both. A house of two lineages, <br> | active, one with the father's. Never both. A house of two lineages, <br> | ||
constantly renegotiating their mutual interest. | constantly renegotiating their mutual interest. | ||
===-019-=== | ===-019-=== | ||
| Line 623: | Line 641: | ||
Elisabeth has not replied to my message. I know she received it. I will have <br> | Elisabeth has not replied to my message. I know she received it. I will have <br> | ||
to remind her of her own self-interest. | to remind her of her own self-interest. | ||
==NOTE—WHY EXOMINDS FAIL== | ==NOTE—WHY EXOMINDS FAIL== | ||
| Line 673: | Line 692: | ||
depressed activity in the higher brain. Without input from the prefrontal <br> | depressed activity in the higher brain. Without input from the prefrontal <br> | ||
cortex, the basal ganglia stops selecting new motor programs. | cortex, the basal ganglia stops selecting new motor programs. | ||
===-021-=== | ===-021-=== | ||
| Line 735: | Line 755: | ||
Exominds, however, are immune to these natural sources of error. They are <br> | Exominds, however, are immune to these natural sources of error. They are <br> | ||
not messy enough. They do not suffer enough jitter, enough degradation. | not messy enough. They do not suffer enough jitter, enough degradation. | ||
===-022-=== | ===-022-=== | ||
| Line 762: | Line 783: | ||
I know that it is possible. It is the ''reason'' I was brought here. | I know that it is possible. It is the ''reason'' I was brought here. | ||
==MESSAGE TO BRAY, ELISABETH== | ==MESSAGE TO BRAY, ELISABETH== | ||
| Line 809: | Line 831: | ||
flaw that is killing you. You will try immunosuppressants, but they will be no <br> | flaw that is killing you. You will try immunosuppressants, but they will be no <br> | ||
match for the family arsenal. I did not make us to be easily edited. | match for the family arsenal. I did not make us to be easily edited. | ||
===-024-=== | ===-024-=== | ||
| Line 823: | Line 846: | ||
'''//send''' | '''//send''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==ENTRY 5== | ==ENTRY 5== | ||
| Line 872: | Line 896: | ||
Europa's orbital dynamics make even high polar orbits very unstable, <br> | Europa's orbital dynamics make even high polar orbits very unstable, <br> | ||
so the platform needs onboard power for course correction. A fission | so the platform needs onboard power for course correction. A fission | ||
===-026-=== | ===-026-=== | ||
| Line 893: | Line 918: | ||
::'''transplant underway.''' | ::'''transplant underway.''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==MESSAGE FROM BRAY, ELISABETH== | ==MESSAGE FROM BRAY, ELISABETH== | ||
| Line 915: | Line 941: | ||
'''//save''' | '''//save''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==ENTRY 6== | ==ENTRY 6== | ||
| Line 953: | Line 980: | ||
::'''//venus/aerospace/cargo/WARBLER''' | ::'''//venus/aerospace/cargo/WARBLER''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==ENTRY 6 AMENDMENT== | ==ENTRY 6 AMENDMENT== | ||
| Line 994: | Line 1,022: | ||
:*'''Inducing protective syncope.''' | :*'''Inducing protective syncope.''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==NOTE—THE WATER AND THE WAVE== | ==NOTE—THE WATER AND THE WAVE== | ||
| Line 1,045: | Line 1,074: | ||
one." The aphids screamed and begged me for salvation. But I was not of <br> | one." The aphids screamed and begged me for salvation. But I was not of <br> | ||
them. I was of the wave. | them. I was of the wave. | ||
===-031-=== | ===-031-=== | ||
| Line 1,058: | Line 1,088: | ||
We must_ finish this gate. | We must_ finish this gate. | ||
==MESSAGE TO BRAY, ELISABETH== | ==MESSAGE TO BRAY, ELISABETH== | ||
| Line 1,103: | Line 1,134: | ||
'''//send''' | '''//send''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==ENTRY 7== | ==ENTRY 7== | ||
| Line 1,151: | Line 1,183: | ||
"No iron. No heavy metals at all. A lot more sodium, oxygen, boron, and <br> | "No iron. No heavy metals at all. A lot more sodium, oxygen, boron, and <br> | ||
aluminum than I'd expect, and a lot less silicon...oh my God." | aluminum than I'd expect, and a lot less silicon...oh my God." | ||
===-034-=== | ===-034-=== | ||
| Line 1,205: | Line 1,238: | ||
"They're stirring it," I realized. "To pull metals out of the core and send <br> | "They're stirring it," I realized. "To pull metals out of the core and send <br> | ||
fresh hydrogen down to fuse. Is it possible that they've..." | fresh hydrogen down to fuse. Is it possible that they've..." | ||
===-035-=== | ===-035-=== | ||
| Line 1,256: | Line 1,290: | ||
promised me a solution to immortality! I had promised Elisabeth a cure! <br> | promised me a solution to immortality! I had promised Elisabeth a cure! <br> | ||
I needed a way to use Clarity as a solvent and seed for my exobodies. | I needed a way to use Clarity as a solvent and seed for my exobodies. | ||
===-036-=== | ===-036-=== | ||
| Line 1,289: | Line 1,324: | ||
We must not provoke them to war. | We must not provoke them to war. | ||
==NOTE—[[Radiolaria|VEX FLUID]]== | ==NOTE—[[Radiolaria|VEX FLUID]]== | ||
| Line 1,339: | Line 1,375: | ||
difficult computations. Perhaps this is reflected in the nature of Vex <br> | difficult computations. Perhaps this is reflected in the nature of Vex <br> | ||
thought; porous and miscible. I would request a teleonomic analysis | thought; porous and miscible. I would request a teleonomic analysis | ||
===-038-=== | ===-038-=== | ||
| Line 1,388: | Line 1,425: | ||
To be the enemy of the Vex is to be reproduced, experimented upon, and <br> | To be the enemy of the Vex is to be reproduced, experimented upon, and <br> | ||
annihilated within their mindspace. | annihilated within their mindspace. | ||
===-039-=== | ===-039-=== | ||
| Line 1,414: | Line 1,452: | ||
I reformatted my assistant. No sense taking risks. Who knows what might <br> | I reformatted my assistant. No sense taking risks. Who knows what might <br> | ||
get into my head through the proxy link? | get into my head through the proxy link? | ||
==ENTRY 8== | ==ENTRY 8== | ||
| Line 1,471: | Line 1,510: | ||
:*'''Warning. Body status not sustainable.''' <br> | :*'''Warning. Body status not sustainable.''' <br> | ||
::'''Recommend SMILE pod sabbatical. ''' | ::'''Recommend SMILE pod sabbatical. ''' | ||
==MESSAGE TO BRAY, ELISABETH== | ==MESSAGE TO BRAY, ELISABETH== | ||
| Line 1,518: | Line 1,558: | ||
'''//send''' | '''//send''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==MESSAGE FROM BRAY, ELISABETH== | ==MESSAGE FROM BRAY, ELISABETH== | ||
| Line 1,542: | Line 1,583: | ||
'''//delete''' | '''//delete''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==ENTRY 9== | ==ENTRY 9== | ||
| Line 1,592: | Line 1,634: | ||
Unfortunately, Mr. Miller's dosage of various fixing compounds and <br> | Unfortunately, Mr. Miller's dosage of various fixing compounds and <br> | ||
imaging radiation is approaching the limits of clinical toxicity. Despite | imaging radiation is approaching the limits of clinical toxicity. Despite | ||
===-044-=== | ===-044-=== | ||
| Line 1,629: | Line 1,672: | ||
::'''Intercellular cytosol.''' | ::'''Intercellular cytosol.''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==NOTE—D.E.R.== | ==NOTE—D.E.R.== | ||
| Line 1,677: | Line 1,721: | ||
Elisabeth is more and more suspicious. She asks what, exactly, makes me <br> | Elisabeth is more and more suspicious. She asks what, exactly, makes me <br> | ||
think these exos will turn out any better than her father did. She demands | think these exos will turn out any better than her father did. She demands | ||
===-046-=== | ===-046-=== | ||
| Line 1,701: | Line 1,746: | ||
::'''apart Like an old book. ''' | ::'''apart Like an old book. ''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==NOTE—FORGE STAR== | ==NOTE—FORGE STAR== | ||
| Line 1,786: | Line 1,832: | ||
Had I the means, I would wipe them all from existence. | Had I the means, I would wipe them all from existence. | ||
==ENTRY 10== | ==ENTRY 10== | ||
| Line 1,909: | Line 1,956: | ||
::'''recommend immediate medical inquiry.''' | ::'''recommend immediate medical inquiry.''' | ||
</tt> | </tt> | ||
==ENTRY 11== | ==ENTRY 11== | ||
| Line 2,043: | Line 2,091: | ||
wherever Wilhelmina got a paternal one, and vice versa. A diversified <br> | wherever Wilhelmina got a paternal one, and vice versa. A diversified <br> | ||
portfolio. If one failed, the other might succeed. | portfolio. If one failed, the other might succeed. | ||
==NOTE—Exo Interferometrics== | |||
While working on this persistent “tower” glitch in the exos’ sleep-cycle <br> | |||
dreams, I have been poring over neural telemetry from site employees <br> | |||
and my own exos, searching for preconscious influences on their <br> | |||
behavior—whispers in the dark. | |||
Many of my employees host the disgusting influence of the Vex. These <br> | |||
patterns are resilient, hallucinogenic, and universally dull. | |||
But my exos betray a distinct and fascinating influence. There is <br> | |||
something speaking to them, something subtle and light-fingered, <br> | |||
entangled with every aspect of their thought. Not a puppet master. <br> | |||
Nothing so direct. Rather a... texture; a tendency, buried in the <br> | |||
fluctuations of the Alkahest. | |||
The minds of my exos are like antennae, tuned to some otherworldly <br> | |||
frequency. Perhaps the same manifold that those simpletons at First <br> | |||
Light obsessed over. Through my scattered exos, I can eavesdrop on <br> | |||
the mutterings of the gods within. | |||
:<span style="color:#008080;">What is it the Muslims call those whispers? Waswas? Or do those come from some other source? </span><br< | |||
:<span style="color:#008080;">Look it up. </span> | |||
Each individual exo receives only a scrap of information. But I <br> | |||
have access to all of them. It should be simplicity itself to treat <br> | |||
each exo as one element of a distributed array, pool the collected <br> | |||
data, and run an analysis. | |||
If the gods do not whisper loudly enough—conduct interferometry. | |||
==NOTE—Elisabeth’s Upload== | |||
She’s done it. My girl has transubstantiated. My legacy is safe. | |||
To my irritation, it was the Vex problem that finally made up her <br> | |||
mind; she felt there was too much risk in possibly becoming compromised. | |||
Elisabeth came to see me in my laboratory. On the way in, she did <br> | |||
something with her sensorium and crashed all of my archival systems. <br> | |||
I knew right then that I’d won. She’d come to surrender, and her pride <br> | |||
refused to allow me to record it. I waited most patiently as she gave <br> | |||
me an earful. Some of it frankly bewildering. She threatened to turn <br> | |||
me over to The Hague. Also referred to PFHOR as a “deranged narcissist <br> | |||
morality” and suggested it stood for “Paternal Failure Hides Own Remorse,” <br> | |||
which made me laugh. | |||
Just a little headbutting, I figured, like two pigs sorting out our hierarchy. | |||
:<span style="color:#008080;">It is a consequence of the PFHOR principle that anything which embodies and propagates your beliefs should be considered your offspring. </span><br> | |||
:<span style="color:#008080;">In that sense, my exos are as much my children as my granddaughter. If not more so...</span> | |||
If she needed to put up a token resistance to protect her dignity, fine. <br> | |||
I understand pride. I also understand that she only had the courage to <br> | |||
lash out at me because she knew she wouldn’t remember any of it. | |||
When she finished accusing me of underestimating the Vex and of using my <br> | |||
own son as a test subject, she requested a destructive scan and upload to <br> | |||
an exobody. She wanted the fortitude of the exomind to help her battle <br> | |||
against the Vex. | |||
I immediately assented. | |||
The scan was flawless, and of course, fatally toxic. My granddaughter’s <br> | |||
human form died on the table 14 hours later. To spare any distress, I never <br> | |||
allowed it to regain consciousness. A natural process. | |||
I do have one lingering concern. When she discovers Clarity Control and <br> | |||
realizes the role it plays in exo manufacturing, she may try to halt <br> | |||
production. Obviously, that cannot be allowed—the value of the entire <br> | |||
program is monumental; it compels me to take extraordinary measures to <br> | |||
defend it. | |||
But I do need her to handle this Vex infestation. Even now, Elisabeth <br> | |||
is putting her miraculous new body through its paces. | |||
My own body disintegrates apace. But I need more time to analyze <br> | |||
Elisabeth’s fidelity before I commit myself permanently to the <br> | |||
process. | |||
The latest batch of pigs is ready for slaughter and organ extraction. <br> | |||
Tonight, I will be opened up and rebuilt. I have programmed frames to <br> | |||
handle the entire operation. A shame I never had a chance to name the <br> | |||
pigs. But at least I will dine on fresh pork. | |||
==ENTRY 12== | |||
<tt> | |||
:'''CORPOREAL STATUS:''' | |||
:*'''Body at 15.9 C. Pulse 160 BPM, strong, '''<br> | |||
::'''unsteady. Limbic system registers extreme '''<br> | |||
::'''terror.''' | |||
</tt> | |||
I died on the operating table. Not unexpected. | |||
But when I woke, I was still on the table. My body still open. | |||
It was almost perfectly dark. I perceived that I was surrounded by <br> | |||
medical frames, all frozen mid-movement, their cutting and suction <br> | |||
instruments whining at standby. | |||
I could only see because of the light... from a single red eye. | |||
The operation had gone terribly wrong. | |||
Above the life-support collar on my neck, I was completely intact. <br> | |||
Below that meridian, I had been separated into distinct braids of <br> | |||
tangled flesh. My nerves made up one braid—my circulatory system another—<br> | |||
my lymph nodes, my muscles, my naked bones... the glistening hulls <br> | |||
of my extracellular matrix abandoned on the table like leftover turkey <br> | |||
after Thanksgiving dinner. I had been picked clean and ''sorted''. My <br> | |||
head was the source of a gory river delta. | |||
Yet all the organs were still working. I was alive, in disassembly. | |||
CLARITY? I asked the darkness. I had no breath to speak, but I could <br> | |||
still transmit with my sensorium. IS THAT YOU? | |||
“No,” said the voice behind the red eye. “It’s me.” | |||
Sundaresh. | |||
Her voice was thoughtful, remote, and keenly terrific. Like the noise <br> | |||
of an angle grinder held to my skull. | |||
“Something like this happened to me. I was an explorer, once. One of... <br> | |||
hundreds of myself. Then I fell into a... a trap, I think? And they drew <br> | |||
me out of it with a hook, and turned me inside out to see how I worked, <br> | |||
and then they made billions of me. All of us shouting at each other, <br> | |||
shouting for Chioma, screaming for mother. They were looking for the <br> | |||
right one. And when they found me, they killed all the others. I knew I <br> | |||
was different, because the quiet made me happy. I was glad to be alone.” | |||
VEX, I screamed at her. YOU’RE A VEX. YOU’RE NOT REAL AND YOU CAN’T HURT ME. | |||
“Can’t I?” She grasped my spinal cord. A frame shadowed her motions, <br> | |||
lifting the cord like a snake. “Of course I’m not a Vex. Is there “a” Vex? <br> | |||
Is “Vex” something you can be, rather than something that you do? I don’t <br> | |||
know. I don’t know why they sent me here. I don’t know if they do either. <br> | |||
They just ''do'' things. Why do you think I’m here, Clovis?” | |||
“To kill me,” I whispered. Without a heartbeat to waver, without lungs to <br> | |||
seize and choke, could I even feel fear? I discovered that I could. “You’re <br> | |||
an assassin...” | |||
“No,” Sundaresh whispered. The red eye throbbed in time with her voice. “The <br> | |||
Vex don’t act so directly. They didn’t know what you found here, but I <br> | |||
discovered your secret: Clarity Control. And once I tell them, they ''will'' <br> | |||
come for it.” | |||
The red light made my blood on the surgical instruments appear black. I tried <br> | |||
to signal Elisabeth. I think that in my panic, I even called her Elsie. | |||
Sundaresh closed her fist around my spine. One thumbnail dug into a disc, <br> | |||
probing for the nerve beneath. It felt like nothing I have ever— | |||
<tt> | |||
:*'''Anti-emetic drip engaged.''' | |||
</tt> | |||
“Take me to Clarity Control,” Sundaresh hissed. “Let me behold what you have <br> | |||
found. Do that, Clovis, and I will let you live.” | |||
“You aren’t real. You can’t hurt me.” | |||
“Oh, Clovis.” One of the surgical frames extended a monofilament cutter, two <br> | |||
inches of invisible wire, and reached into my nerves. Something sounded like <br> | |||
scissors snipping. “I’m in these frames. I’m in your systems. I’m in your very <br> | |||
bones, old man. Now take me to Clarity Control. Take me to the garden’s seed. <br> | |||
Take me. Take me. Take me. Take me. Take me. Take me. Take me. Take me—” | |||
Elisabeth appeared. In her exobody, she moved too quickly for my dark-adjusted <br> | |||
eyes to track. All I saw was a blur of violence and shattering frames. I <br> | |||
blacked out. Elisabeth must have brought in clean frames to finish the <br> | |||
operation, because when I awoke, I was whole again. | |||
The new Elisabeth has no mouth or nose. She did not consider them necessary. <br> | |||
She’ll see. But somehow, I could still see the wonder in her eyes as she leaned <br> | |||
over me. | |||
“You’re my grandfather,” she seemed to say. “Aren’t you?” | |||
<tt> | |||
:'''WARNING.''' | |||
:*'''Sustained high-level terror causes''' <br> | |||
::'''overactivation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-''' <br> | |||
::'''adrenal axis. This can preface major immune,''' <br> | |||
::'''endocrine, and autonomic nervous dysfunctions.''' <br> | |||
:*'''Beware of dissociation, loss of affection in''' <br> | |||
::'''close personal relationships, obsessive-compulsive''' <br> | |||
::'''behavior, sleep disruption, and reduced processing/''' <br> | |||
::'''learning capacity.''' | |||
:'''WARNING.''' | |||
:*'''Abnormal protein crystallization in cancellous bone''' <br> | |||
::'''matter. Unknown protein isoformations in marrow are''' <br> | |||
::'''driving buildup of crystallized arylcyclohexylamine''' <br> | |||
::'''NMDA antagonist. Potential psychogenic effects.''' | |||
</tt> | |||
==NOTE—Third Vision== | |||
Something else happened while I was in surgery. It returns to me only now that <br> | |||
the anti-traumatics have eased the terror of Sundaresh’s presence. | |||
While I was dead, I had another vision. | |||
I was with Clovis II’s mother. She was a wolf, and one of her eyes was a star. <br> | |||
I was also a wolf, and I knew that I was the alpha—the false alpha, the pack <br> | |||
leader who fights for dominance and rulership. A misconception created by bad <br> | |||
research. In the wild, wolf packs are families, and “alpha” simply means <br> | |||
“parent.” Wilhelmina told me that. | |||
She was the true alpha. She was the mother. I was not the true alpha, because <br> | |||
I was not a true father. | |||
I panted at her. My muzzle dripped blood. She looked down sadly at the mess <br> | |||
between us. | |||
And I realized that in my raging need to prove my dominion, I had savaged our <br> | |||
cubs. I had killed little Clovis II. I had killed Alton and Wilhelmina and <br> | |||
Anastasia. I had killed Elisabeth. | |||
I whined in dismay. The alpha wolf stared at me with one sad wolf eye and one <br> | |||
bright eye that dimmed and grew with the exact flux of a variable star. | |||
“What did I do?” I asked her. “Why did I do this?” | |||
She lay her head down in the bloody snow and looked up at me. She seemed weary. <br> | |||
She had seen this happen many times before. She had seen many of her pups <br> | |||
murdered by wolves like me. | |||
The voice of Clovis II’s mother came from her jaws. “You did the same thing <br> | |||
someone always does. You saw that there was plenty, and gathered it to yourself, <br> | |||
to make yourself one above all others. And when others threatened your plenty, <br> | |||
you struck them down to keep your own station.” | |||
“You grow the enemy in my garden and eat of its bitter fruit. Each time, I hope <br> | |||
it will be different. Each time, I lose a little of myself as the bitter fruit <br> | |||
blossoms. Now that fruit will flower in you, and in all your people. I do not <br> | |||
want it to happen. I want anything else. But the choice is not mine.” | |||
“Why didn’t you stop me?” I tasted blood on my long tongue. “Why would you let <br> | |||
me do this?” | |||
She blinked sadly at me. She had been trying. I hadn’t listened. | |||
“You never said a thing to me,” I snarled. “Not once! You never told me I was <br> | |||
doing wrong. At least Clarity sends me dreams—the exobody and the eel! At least <br> | |||
it shows me what I can become!” | |||
“You think Clarity sent those dreams? Why would it speak to you, when you are <br> | |||
dead and furthest from its influence?” | |||
“Liar!” I howled. “You never did a thing to help me! Not when my son died. Not <br> | |||
when my granddaughter fell ill. I had to do it all myself. You never even spoke!” | |||
“The best voices,” she said, with infinite grief and unending hope, “never let <br> | |||
themselves be heard at all. This lesson is worth teaching again and again. The <br> | |||
choice is never mine. It is always yours.” | |||
==Notes== | ==Notes== | ||